The Long Road Back

It has been almost three months since my heart has left me. I am sure to some of you it seems like an eternity. I hope you haven’t given up on me; it’s taken a while to gather my thoughts and mourn our loss. Somehow it feels that if I don’t put his passing on his blog it isn’t real, you know?
It’s been a struggle to build a semblance of normalcy in my day to day living. Returning to work was a nightmare. Disjointed thoughts and plenty of avoidance; going through the days thinking: “I hope they don’t say anything” and in the next breath “how could they not say anything?” More times then not I left even myself feeling confused about what I wanted.

It is getting easier now; I find that I am actually smiling once in a while. Not that fake smile that never quite erases the vacant look in your eyes, I am sure many of you who have lost know that smile; it is a survival skill we learn quickly to fit in and avoid the uncomfortable “are you okay?” because, of course we aren’t.

A myriad of emotions cloud my everyday life now. Joy, for the time I had; Anger, for the time I didn’t have; Sorrow, knowing I will never again hold my baby boy in this life; Thankful, for all of the friends and support I found along the way; Cheated, out of all that we had yet to experience together; Blessed, for all that he taught me; Regret, for decisions made that caused him more suffering; Doubt, that maybe I didn’t make the right choice. Of these, doubt, is the most brutal. Logically I made the right decision for Hunter, I do realize this. He would not have wanted, nor did he deserve to have the pain and discomfort of repeated hospitalizations. Pokes and prods for just a few precious months more, a gift so priceless and precious to me, a price far too high to pay for him. Unfortunately logic rarely plays the dominant hand in the game of mourning, and far too often these questions haunt me.

Dennis and I are slowly picking up the pieces and trying to fit them together. Overall we are doing pretty well. We have moved to a new residence, the home we raised Hunter in was far too empty for us after he had gone. We go to his graveside every night and light a candle for him before we go to bed. It’s our way of putting forth a little effort to let him know we love him and we miss him.

I am going to keep this blog going. I want to fill it with memories, pictures, rants, and projects that I want to start in Hunter’s name and of course there will also be the obligatory update on how we are doing ;) I really enjoy hearing from all of you and reading your comments so please feel free to do so.

As you know, April 14th is coming up, it would have been Hunter’s 1yr birthday, we are going to plan a big balloon release, I will share the details later, for those that would like to release a balloon. I will also be taking pictures for those of you that would like to enjoy it vicariously :)

I am also very proud to announce that Hunter has been chosen as the April’s “Child of HoPE” for “Families for HoPE” which is a nonprofit organization that helps children and families that are living with HPE. Check it out!

http://www.familiesforhope.com/activities/childofhope.html

Thank you again for all of your understanding, love and patience.